I Wish

Kody reaches up to wipe a strand of hair from my face, and he’s startled when I flinch away. His face is worried, puzzled at my reaction. He apologizes, still seeming to be confused. He asks me why I’m wearing a jacket when it’s so hot. If only he could see the hand-shaped bruises on my arms, then he would know. I tell him I’m always cold, no matter how hot it is. He spots the cut and the dark mark on my face, partly concealed by my long, straight hair. I tell him that I fell down the stairs. I tell him I’m clumsy. He could believe that…

Why does he care? No one’s ever cared before… He asks me about my life, what I like, and what I do for fun. I have no answer for him… He jokes with me, trying to make me talk and making me laugh in spite of myself. I can’t help but smile ever so faintly when he looks my way. It’s been so long since I’ve smiled… He’s nice. Nicer than anyone’s been in a long time. All I’ve ever felt or a long time was fear, loneliness, and dread. Mostly fear. But this… this is something else. Did someone finally care about me?
I stop myself. No, of course no one cares. This is just how it began. Chris had been nice, too… before he changed.

Kody asks me why I don’t talk.
“Shut up! Just stop talking! God, I’m so tired of hearing your stupid voice!” THUMP!

Kody asks me why I never smile.
“What are you smiling at? You don’t have a reason to smile, you worthless piece of ----!” SMACK!

Kody wonders why I shy away from him.
“Love? You don’t deserve love!” SIZZLE…

Kody notices the change in my eyes as I think about my abusive boyfriend. He asks me what’s wrong, and I shake my head wordlessly. Chris was going to be angry if I didn’t return soon. I tell him I should go. I turn to walk away and he grabs my arm gently, pleading with me to stay. I wince; there was a deep bruise where he had touched my arm. He lightens his grip, detecting my discomfort, and turns me to face him. I stare down at the ground, not wanting to meet his gaze. He senses that something is wrong and sees the pain shown by my features.
He looks at me strangely and holds my hand out. I start to tell him to stop, but he won’t listen. He pulls up the sleeve to my jacket tenderly and gasps. He seems shocked… He sees the many dark hand-shaped bruises on my arm. He pulls up the sleeve further and sees the burns and cuts running all the way up to my shoulder. He stares intently at my face with a sudden realization. He looks angry. I cringe, preparing myself for the hit that would soon follow.
I get ready for the pain, but none comes. I glance up at him, wondering why he hadn’t hit me yet. Chris would’ve had me on the floor bleeding by now… His face is incredulous, and then turns sad. He starts to say something, but can’t seem to find any words. He moves suddenly, but before I can react he surprises me. I don’t feel pain. There is no blood. He wasn’t going to beat me like I had expected…
He was holding me in a warm embrace. He was touching me without actually inflicting pain… it’s been a while since I’ve had a hug. I’m too afraid to move. I’m not afraid of being beaten, for once. I’m afraid that all of this will disappear… just like it always does when I wake up. I am frozen in his arms. He relaxes, holding me at arms-length. He stares into my eyes intently. I’m surprised to see tears well in his eyes. I apologize, an automatic response. He smiles sadly through his tears, telling me it’s not my fault. He tells me things that I’ve never heard… He says I’m beautiful… strong… brave. He asks me about Chris. He asks if he is the one who hurts me. I hang my head, biting my lip.
Kody shakes his head and lifts my chin gently. I can’t look away from his eyes. They’re so soft and kind… I’m starting to believe this is real. He keeps talking, trying to explain things to me. He says I deserve so much better. He says I’m so much better than this. He says I can escape. He says there is hope.
He says he loves me.
His tear-streaked face is straight and serious. He’s so sincere… But I don’t want to be hurt again… I want so badly to go with him and free myself. I want to tell him I love him, too. I’ve always loved him…
It’s too much. This is what I’ve been praying for. I need someone to protect me, to love me, to care whether I live or die. I break, my knees buckling and my body racking with sobs. He catches me in his arms, kissing my hair. I tell him how long I’ve waited for someone, anyone, to care enough to save me from Chris… and myself. I’m so relieved.
He whispers soothingly to me in my ear.
He says everything is going to be alright…
And I believe him…










Then I wake up.

I glance around. Chris is still drunk on the couch. I’m still lying on the floor, covered in my own blood. My arm is still broken. I’m still alone. I’m still trapped.
I wish someone cared like Kody did.
I start to cry quietly, wishing that someone like Kody really existed.
But I’m all alone.
And there is no hope…